How Much More The Wait?

My soul longs for Your instruction today Lord. I'm so tired of my pillow soaked with tears. How much longer the wait, Lord? How much longer the wait? My heart grows faint and my limbs grow weary. What is the truth Lord? What is the truth to this situation? I'm tired of groping around in the dark for answers and finding none. I'm tired of doing everything I know to do and still no outcome. At this point Lord, it could be yes or no and I wouldn't care. At least it would be closure. At least it would be over. At least I would finally know the answer, the truth. How much longer must I wait, must I cry, must I wonder, must I be obedient and still suffer? I have given it my absolute all and my best. I have been faithful. How much longer before you say yes or no? How much longer must I cry out to You with no answer. Yet, I will wait. I don't want to. I want to run. I want to turn my back on this and never look back. I want to be anywhere but here right now. But, yet, I wait. I wait on You. How much longer till I see the end? How much longer the wait? How much longer.......

No Trace Left....

If there is one thing I am learning, it is that it is not sufficient for dead areas of your life to just die, they must be buried. There must be no trace. Nothing.If not, there will be a scent of death that will linger & every time you smell it, the past, the hurt, the memories will confront you. It will not be pleasant. So, don't just let God bring death to those areas that need it, let Him finish, let Him bury them so the only scent you encounter is new life... But what a painful process it is. I think of the sting of death and the shock of knowing what you knew and held and loved will never be again and neither will life as you knew it. The burial process is no easier. It's no less painful. But only till it is buried can you have closure. It seems it is easier to let it die than it is to let it go. But oh the horrible stench of rotting waste! There is nothing at all pleasant about it. You could spray perfume on it and soak it in spices, but still after awhile, the stench would still come through. I'm at that stage right now. Dead but not buried. Still holding on and holding my nose even though it still stinks, almost more willing to put up with the smell than to see it no more. It's funny. A corpse is no good for anything. It's just what it is, dead and stinking. Yet, it hurts so much to let it go, that we would rather watch it rot than to release it even though God has a replacement so much better. I'm trying to let Him bury this part of my life so that when He makes dead and dry bones live they have no remnant of hurt, no sting of death, no past baggage. No stench!! I know the new is better but fear takes control and speaks the ever so familiar lie, "Will God truly do as He promised?". It is a trust issue and a faith thing and it is my struggle. May God help us all to bury our dead. To get rid of the stench that is fouling up our life and the atmosphere around us. And then and only then will we see dead bones arise and dry bones live. Then and only then shall we see what is really in store. Help me to obey, Lord. Take this dead area and place in a deep hole never to be seen in its former state again. And please, Lord, be true to Your word and bring the new You have promised... and I will be careful to give You all the glory and honor and blessing... No trace left...

Turn The Page...

You o' Lord have borne to me this day the heaviness of my pride. A weight to heavy for me to carry. What must I do for You to extinguish Your anger with me and rekindle the fire between us? What must I say to let You know the grief I feel for my sin? I will run to You! I will run under Your cover and there I will fall on my knees and let You see all of me, the very parts I try to hide but Your love exposes. I will let you embrace me once again, prodigal that I am, and I will accept Your forgiveness through Your unending grace. I will turn this page in the history of You and me. I will not wallow here or set up camp. I will move on as You would have me to. I love You, Lord. Thank You for loving me...

I Will Rejoice and be Glad!

Well, surgery for me is tomorrow. I am fearful yet encouraged that maybe this is a new beginning and a finality of sorts to all I have been going through. Whatever His will is, that is what I want. It is what I need. It is what will bring me to a place of wholeness that He wants for me. So, ladies, yes please pray for all to go well and for all to be made new, but more than anything pray for this to be the beginning of a new level of praise and a new level of wholeness as never before. My desire is to please Him and to know Him as well as He knows me. So, yes, I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD!! Tomorrow is a brand new day and I can't wait to get a brand new song...

What It Means...

Since getting the words magnificent praise dropped into my spirit, I have been trying to understand what it truly means. Does it mean that it is beautiful? Does it mean that it was perfect? What does it truly mean? So, one day as I knelt before Him all alone, no one else in the room but He and I, with no words left to say, I began to say those two words over and over aloud till my whole mind, my whole body, my whole soul began to sense the joy of His presence and I was completely captured in a moment that is purely indescribable. It was at that moment the revelation of what a wonderful God I serve really desires from me, from us, and it was at that moment that I understood what magnificent praise really was. It is only when I surrender my entire being to Him, my focus, my mind, my body, my intellect, my talents, my desires, my dreams, everything that I am, everything that I ever will be, everything that I ever wanted to be, then and only then will my praise be magnificent. It is a perfect praise. Not in so many ways as we think of the word perfect, but perfect in the way that it is "total". Total means to be absolute. So magnificent praise is absolute praise. This is what brings breakthrough. It is what grabs His attention. He is a magnificent God. He is the magnificent creator and ruler of all the universe. Only magnificent praise will do. Only magnificent praise will reach the ears of such a magnificent God and move His heart. David gave surrendered undignified praise. He gave His whole being. Even to the point of ridicule and losing his reputation. The more ridicule he faced, the more He praised and became even more undignified. I want to grab my God's attention like David did. Like He has grabbed mine. When I go into worship, I want to exclude everyone and everything but Him. We as women know what it is like to be intimate with our husbands. We know what a difference it makes when we hold nothing back from him and give him our all. It is very much the same with the Lover of your soul. There is a difference when we hold nothing back from Him, when we give Him our all. The intimacy is past indescribable. It says in Matthew 22 that when we are finally home, truly home in Heaven with Him, "all our ECSTASIES and INTIMACIES then will be with God". Just to know that is overwhelming because I have never wanted anything more than to know a love like He freely brings but I also know that He wants that right now, right here, right on earth in my every day just like it will be then. It may be perfected in Heaven and we will not have the worries of this world to hinder our worship, but he is showing me that He wants as much as I can give right now, so that He can give me as much as He desires to give. Magnificent praise. My magnificent praise. Your magnificent praise. Praise that is surrendered, undignified, uninhibited, and totally undone. Praise that doesn't look around to see if anyone is looking. Praise that doesn't care about reputation. Praise that is willing to become undone in front of the whole world if need be for Him. Praise that mirrors your private worship in your public worship. Praise that is not a glory seeker but a glory giver. Praise that wants nothing in return. Praise that opens locked doors for it is the key. Praise that causes avalanches of His love to flow from you to others around you. Praise that shakes the cells open and sets every one free. Praise that causes sin to be exposed. Praise that breaks every chain and drops every shackle and causes you to dance in freedom. Praise that melts the heart of an all magnificent and splendor filled God. Praise that says "You are the most important thing in my life and nothing else matters like You do. What do You desire, My Lord?". Magnificent praise...
"My God, I pray that I turn crazy loose for You not thinking once of my reputation or what it may cost me and may anything that is hindering my praise be removed immediately no matter the pain. May You have my complete focus, my complete attention, my complete heart, my complete and total praise and may I make your heart melt and skip a beat, and may the words on my lips please You... may out of the depths of my belly flow living water...for your glory Lord. For Yours and Yours alone...and may my praise be contagious, infectious, wildly undone and free, and oozing with the precious oil that is You... Magnificent praise... Magnificent praise... Magnificent praise...

Magnificent Praise...

A Word from the Lord to my heart on March 24, 2009...

"Magnificent! Magnificent! Magnificent! Magnificent Praise!! Praise! Praise! Praise! Magnificent Praise! Praise Me! Avalanche of love! Avalanche of love! Cause the avalanche to flow! Cause the avalanche to flow! Praise! Praise! Praise! Praise that is worthy of My attention. Praise that causes freedom to erupt from depths you have not yet seen! Magnificent praise! I'm worthy of magnificent praise! Praise ME! Praise! Praise me with magnificent and unfiltered praise! Watch Me breakthrough on the wings and sound of your magnificent praise!!!!!!!"

*BTW just so you will know Magnificent is defined in Webster's as this:

adjective 1. making a splendid appearance or show; of exceptional beauty, size, etc.: a magnificent cathedral; magnificent scenery.
2. extraordinarily fine; superb: a magnificent opportunity; magnificent weather.
3. noble; sublime: a magnificent poem.
4. (usually initial capital letter) (formerly used as a title of some rulers) great; grand: Lorenzo the Magnificent.
5. lavishly munificent; extravagant: a magnificent inheritance.

And praise means:

verb (used with object) 5. to express approval or admiration of; commend; extol.
6. to offer grateful homage to (God or a deity), as in words or song.

—Idiom7. sing someones praises, to praise someone publicly and enthusiastically:

**Let's always SING AND EXTOL PUBLICLY AND ENTHUSIASTICALLY WITH ADMIRATION AND SPLENDID, EXTRAORDINARILY FINE, SUPERB, GREAT, GRAND, EXCEPTIONAL, EXTRAVAGANT, BEAUTIFUL, NOBLE, AND LAVISH praise!!!!!!!!!

I praise You Lord, Oh yes, I praise You with magnificent avalanche causing praise!!!!
May your love flow from the depths of an unseen place. If you are magnificent then only magnificent praise will cause an avalanche bursting and freedom erupting atmosphere. If only one small movement, one small whisper can cause a mighty avalanche, think of what sound barrier breaking heart felt worship and praise can do!! High exalting and extoling magnificent praise!! Breaker anointing, ride in on the wings of our magnificent praise to You and breakthrough, breakthrough, breakthrough!!! Yes, Lord, breakthrough!!

A little taste of PRAISE!!!

A little taste of praise from Great Commission Ministries for Jesus. This was taken during praise practice. Just make sure you go down and pause my music player before you take a look...

Hormones!!! Everyone run for cover!!

HORMONES!!!!!! Can I get an amen from all the ladies out there who can relate?!! I have had a cyst on my right ovary for about 3 months or so now(well, actually longer, that is just when I got the ultrasound). It will not go away and so now they have to remove the entire ovary. It is still 14 days away and can I tell you that if my family had a vote, they would say do it tomorrow PLEASE!! It is like being pregnant but with no reward! Hot flashes, nausea, dizziness, foggy thinking, cramps, pain, and oh let's not forget the mood swings...can we just say Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde! I can't stand my own self!! So, if anyone can relate to this out there, how 'bout throw up a prayer for me especially one specifically asking for my help not to take anyone out!!! LOL God is so good. Hard to understand why he created us women the way He did while men just sit there looking like they have no clue what is going on(and they don't!), but still HE is SO SO SO GOOD!!! Just had to vent today. Thanks for listening!!!

The Best Day Of My Life....

God's discipline is never fun. It is not something that I look forward to. No one does. The reward though is great and worth every ounce of it. The Lord has had me in a tough place. A place where you get to have your true heart revealed. A place where you think you just might die because the blackness of your heart is too much to take in front of a holy God. When you get into His presence, it is ultimately the truth that you will begin to see what is not so holy about you but it is for your good. It is for your growth and the Lord will never show it to you or bring you to that place until He knows you are capable of handling it and when He knows it is time to rid you of it. So, I guess I was ready and I guess it was time. Breaking is just not easy no matter how you go about it. It's just not but it is only after the breaking that the healing can begin. So, let the healing start, I say because I've had about all the breaking I can stand!!! LOL. He was so faithful to have the one person He knew that their words would make a difference call me today and talk with me. As hard as it was to hear, I knew it was right. I had been running from the call on my life and God was tired of my pride and of my running and she frankly told me so. It was just confirmation for the last three days of torment...lol. So, because I trust this person and love her, I took it to heart and I surrendered. Hands up, white flag flying, it's over, you win God. I will do what you want and not what I want. I will be obedient. Isn't that all He wants anyway? For us to get to the point where we say "I surrender, You win!". Feels like a thousand pounds has been lifted from my shoulders. I am scared to death to step out into these waters I have run from and dodged and done everything else just so I wouldn't have to do it but gotta go anyhow. No choice. The battle for my destiny has already been waged and won and been set in motion for me before I was ever known to my mom and dad. The only choice I can take is to walk it out and trust that He will not let me fail or fall. With Him I can because He would not have gone to so much trouble to make me miserable unless I could...lol. This is the best day of my life... Thank you Lord...Let's get to work...

Who Is Really With You...

It has been quite a whirlwind these last few months. But even more, these past two weeks have been ridiculously stormy. Nothing unsusual. Been there before. Just seems par for course since things were going along beautifully that the enemy would try an attempt to take me down, my family down, my finances, and my mind. Even the most seasoned veteran would have struggled. But you learn some things. One, who God is and that when you are at your weakest, He will fight for you. He will not leave you. He will never break a bruised reed... Two, who your friends are. Not those friends who are fair weathered and would rather you find an interest in them and what is going on in them than take five minutes to find where you are. I'm talking about
the ones who wear God like a cloak and put on His character and put themselves and their busy schedules and minds aside for you. Those who will fight for you, are with you when you are at your weakest, and those who will not be as Job's friends, those who will not break you when you are bruised. The All-Weathered friend. These are the ones who leave a mark on your life. The ones that truly make a difference. These are the ones who will get muddy with you going through the trenches because they have already proven that they will even in the smallest of circumstances so you know they will stand with you in the toughest as well. Trustworthy... True... A love that they prove in actions and not just speak to you about having in their heart, you can see the evidence...These people are rare... If you find one, make sure you do your best to do your part to get your mind off of you and celebrate them so they will feel appreciated and like they are a treasure, because they are... Believe me they are rare, you don't need to leave them wondering just how great they are... BE THERE!!!!

Keep Walkin'

Hello my blogger friends. I am sorry it has been such a long time since my last post and since I am supposed to be lying down right now, it may be just a little longer. Just keep your heads up guys. Never give up because He will never ever ever give up on you no matter how it may seem He does at times. And always keep walkin'. just keep on walkin'. Eventually if you keep one foot going in front of the other, you will walk right on out of where you are. Never stop. I am having to do that myself right now so your prayers would be greatly appreciated. He is so in love with us guys. Sometimes I know He has a funny way of showing it, but He still loves just the same. He always will. Have a good one and hopefully I will have another post up very soon. KEEP WALKIN'!!!!!

My One Goal...

I don't make resolutions. Too much pressure. I make goals and try to meet them. The one thing that rang loud and clear to me the morning of January 1st was Romans 8:1 "There is now NO CONDEMNATION...."!! I have spent much of my life in this battle with the Lord as He tries very hard to convince me that no matter what I do, I am never again condemned. Convicted maybe, but never condemned. The accuser on the other hand whom is the father of all lies also tries very hard to make me think that is not the truth. Grace is a hard thing to understand and an even harder thing to accept at times. Grace is not earned. If that were the case, it would not be called grace for the very meaning of it is to receive "unmerited divine assistance". It is a gift but to receive a gift you have to first accept it. I have always seemed to live in the bondage of if I don't do this or I must do this for God to stay happy with me or for Him to bless me or protect me. AANNHH!! Wrongo! This year I am determined to believe what the Bible says about me and for me and earnestly begin to rest in His arms and listen to what He has been trying to tell me all along. That I am wonderfully and fearfully made and that I am not a slave to the law for I have been set free from the law which leads to death. That there is absolutely nothing that can separate me front His love and nothing can ever snatch me out of the palm of His hand. So, if I read the Bible today or if I don't, He will still love me. If I mess up 35 times, He will still love me. If I pray today or if I don't, I am still covered under the Blood. If I think a bad thought or if I am just plain ill, He will not leave me. Now does that give me the right to not read the Word, to not pray, to be ill if I want to? NO!!!!! Not by any means, because I know that even though I am covered I will still not progress or feel at peace or have that closeness that I need with Him if I unplug from my only life source. But it does mean that if I slip or even if on a particular day I just do it on purpose as awful as that may seem, His view of me never changes. Yes, I may have to get my chops busted with a little "I guess you know why we are here" discipline, but He will not hurt me or say "I've had enough of you. I'm done. Fend for yourself". He is not up there sitting on His throne with gavel in hand just waiting for me to mess up so He can bring the hammer down on my head. What kind of God would that be?!! He will constantly guide me back home because unless you have walked on water you will constantly need that guiding. So, this is my one goal. To walk out from under that heavy wait of guilt and condemnation that the enemy has so loved to keep me bound with. I am going to believe that God just truly wants me to live in joy and try my best to do what is right but to know that if I don't, His love is still there, His arms are still there, His guidance is still there, and I will always be accepted in the Beloved and I will always be under grace. It's time to have some fun and worry none!! So much to think about but nothing to worry about. So, ladies come along with me on this journey of believing that God is in love with us and that will never change and let's begin to live life because life is a verb...a very big verb!!! And remember, the enemy is your accuser but he is not and never will be your judge! Only God has that authority...